Microsoft Tries to Poison Me with Xbox Fruit Roll-up
Yesterday, when I was at the grocery store stocking up on snacks to help me write my weekend GayGamer posts, I noticed a basket of wrappers bearing a familiar logo -- "Kellogg's XBOX Rolls." Assuming they were simply Xbox-themed fruit roll-ups, I just threw one in my shopping cart and decided to give it try. After all, it was strawberry-flavored (I like strawberries) and offered "XBOX Game Hints Inside!" To boot, it was a mere 25 cents. So mid-day rolls around and while I'm playing "The Trooper" on Guitar Hero II -- er, I mean, while I was preparing to write more posts, of course -- I got a craving for sweets. Thus, in the interest of GayGamerdom and my sweet tooth, I decided to eat it. Boy, was that a bad idea...
Opening the package, I unleashed an aroma of plastic with a hint of strawberry (the roll is lime-green by the way). I took a huge whiff and it sort of made me gag a little. Not a good sign. Even better was the fact that I had a difficult time unrolling the fruit roll-up because not only was it falling apart, it was also super sticky (while fruit roll-ups are supposed to be sticky, I figured it should at least come off the wax paper easy enough!).
Regardless, I had come this far, so I just tore a piece of it off and stuck it in my mouth. It tasted just like it smelled: waxy, bitter and chewy. Let's just say it looks like and tastes like whatever Shrek pulls out of his ear. Pretty friggin' disgusting.
The best part of the whole thing: when I turned the package over, it said that it had expired on May 27, 2007.
If you're curious, the aforementioned "game hints" (which were listed on the wax roll and are pretty lame) are after the jump.
Amped 3
High scores are set when you master the "butter" moves to chain together massive combinations.
Burnout Revenge
Watch the pre-crash junction videos carefully to prepare where and when you can cause the most damage.
Top Spin 2
Kick serves into your opponent's body or send one out wide. Concentrate on placement, not necessarily speed.
Moto GP '06
Braking and body position are the keys to cornering. Take your first corners at a crawl, and gradually build up till you're comfortable with the process.
Star Wars Battlefront II
Join battles with friends and play as tight-knit squad. Global strategy is tough to come by, but with three or four buddies to watch your back, you can wreak havoc on the enemy.
Lara Croft Tomb Raider LEGEND
Environmental hazards will finish off enemies quicker than bullets. Look out for the Y button icons during a fight. Use them and you'll effectively rid yourself of an enemy or group of enemies.
Lazy Panda
Posted to Video Games on 10 June 2007
· Comments (6)
Other stuff like this: fruit roll-up, kellogg's, poison, xbox 360
Maybe the expiredness is the hint! Like, the fermented plastic X-Box rolls might put you into a kind of dream state, and in your blurred electronic vison quest you could p4wn all the n00bs with the ancestral power of the buffalo... Or something.
GG microsoft.
Hahahahaha! I'm gonna have to look for my old video game cereals now so I can top this ;)
Actually, despite whatever logo/promotional gimmick is on the candy, there is no way that this is Microsoft's fault.
The blame rests either on the store you purchased the food at for not properly checking to ensure that they are not dumping expired goods into their bins or the company who distributed it to the store in your current location in the first place (Not necessarily Kelloggs, since they outsource their repackaging and assembly of store displays to other corporations).
thats stuffs so fake and full of preservatives that it was probly still good LOL
It seems to me that the whole point of fruit leather is to not NEED an expiration date... but I guess you have to have fruit to make fruit leather.