Playing It Gay In Soul Calibur IV
Like most of the residents in the retirement wing of gaygamer castle, I find that there are two things that really make my weekend; receiving a scrumptious bed bath after my morning tea and some ferocious online swordplay in Soul Calibur IV. Nothing brings my crusty eyes into focus like a few Just Impacts and combo throws before breakfast. When lag destroys any chance of a fair match, there's nothing better than going Astaroth and pounding that vertical attack button like it's the emergency assistance button next to my bed.
For sure, hating those goddamn Kilik spammers is an important part of playing Soul Calibur IV online -- trying to get that Hero King achievement? Need level 20? You can bet your ass that as you are just about ready to pop the necessary level a 12-year-old with tourettes is waiting in the wings with a custom Kilik ready to smash your grey matter all over the pavement. If you're really unlucky and connection lag strangles the last breath of joy out of the match, you can endure the slow motion torture of repeated ring-outs and an oak pole up side the head. Want to get that achievement? Play Kilik of course! Hammering Y (or triangle PS3 owners) never felt so good...
When you've got all the achievements, basked in the glory of a level 20 ranking, and even hoarded all the comedy weapons (yes, including Ivy's magical sausage), what are you gonna do? When you finally finish Tower of Souls, there ain't much left in the single player mode. Forget about climbing up the online league tables. I mean c'mon, have you checked out the people who are at the top of those tables? People with 3000 wins and 1 loss, maxed out at rank level 99. I am sure if you traced those accounts back to an address there are kids all round the world gripping Hori arcade sticks with arms like Michael Phelps, ending the dreams of hopeless chumps like me.
Well, I have been experimenting, and I think there is some HUGE added value to be had in Soul Calibur IV. There's fun to be had with the quirkier bits of Soul Calibur IV. The purpose of this short guide is to help you to get your own back against those pain-in-the-behind Cervantes, Kilik and Mitsurugi spammers, you know the types, doing the same move over and over and over again. Invariably those same players are the kind that shoot their mouth off at the slightest challenge to their authority, and hey, Soul Calibur IV has attracted the same breed of idiot that likes to hurl macho crap around on the likes of Halo 3. This guide, once implemented, will guarantee a slap to the face for every cheap, bigoted douche who likes to ruin your day in Soul Calibur IV.
Make the jump to learn my super special secrets for making them cry!
[1] Learn the Girl Characters!
There's nothing that annoys a YY chromosome teenager than playing against a sexeh lady. Way back in prehistoric times when games were in arcades playing Chun Li on Street Fighter 2 often drew a miserable grumble from the local crop of wanabees. Soul Calibur 4 has the added bonus of female characters that, once mastered, provide some of the most infuriating and powerful offensive play in the game. GayGamer hawty Ivy is a stance-switching demon of death, with even more guard breaking attacks than ever before. My personal fave is Setsuka; one wrong step against this evil Mary Poppins and you'll be carrying your junk home in chunks.
[2] Transgender Taunts of Death!
Everybody loves the custom character creator. You can really twist the knife katana with some interesting quirks in the engine. Create a boy character, but give them the fighting style of one of the female characters. The grizzlier the better; were talking that weird hairy chest borrowed from Rock plus the policeman's hat plus the Voldo jockstrap. Now, when it comes to fighting style, choose one of the ladies (which you will have practiced with as previously mentioned). So your big dude comes out fighting, umbrella or whatever in hand. When you see an opening, get those taunts going. There is nothing weirder in the Soul Calibur universe than seeing your man mountain bounce around with the girly character animation of Cassandra, or coyly look over his shoulder like the lovely Setsuka. Enjoy moments of stunned silence as your yammering opponent shudders at the sight of Rock shaking his tailfeather.
[3] Oh No My Clothes Fell Off
The loss of clothing is an important part of everyday life, when entering the bath, sharing sexy time with a loved one, or visiting the doctor. In Soul Calibur 4, the slightest contact between your foot and your opponents ass can result in their trousers exploding off in a shower of particles. Losing armour means being more vulnerable to enemy attacks, but hey, we're pros, we don't mind bearing all! Play through the game and you'll realise that Namco want you to cover up our beloved boys. The final armour set is the Leviathan suit, a heavy duty number built like Fort Knox. This causes problems when you want to flex those guns and tweak those cheeks. Final rule, ditch the armour, and pick some fights in your birthday suit. It's a terrible shame to not recognise the effort of Namco's expert art team, who have so lovingly given all the boys of Soul Calibur such ripped abs.
All the forum talk about Soul Calibur centres on how to best tackle the scourge that is the young macho spammer. With these three simple rules you can create a fighter to spread confusion and disarray among the virgin masses. Enjoy!
SuperSpecialDavey
Posted to Hot Stuff on 26 August 2008
· Comments (7)
Other stuff like this: gay, ivy, kilik, soul calibur 4, soul calibur iv
One of my favorite things in Soul Calibur 4 is to fight someone as my totally fabulous Captain Planet. Lots of skin and he uses Raphael's rose weapon. He'll usually prompt a chuckle from my opponent when they see him, but they curse the match as I yell "Earth, fire, wind, water, HEART!" in victory.
Pro tip: Give someone a tiny hat and an afro, so when it gets broken, a giant afro pops out. People laugh too much to focus on the match.
Loved this article! Those are some strategies I never thought about employing until now. I was content to bash people as a half naked Kilik, but now I have so many more ideas.
I love GayGamer!
It's true, it's very intimidating when i Use a female character and rock the game, having a winning streak about 14-20 every night that I play. My taki is not only in a bright pink colour hue; but it throws people off when they assume I'm a woman.
I've gotten so much trashtalking for playing so well with any of the female characters. I'm just sorry I'm not a Kilik that looks like a ninja, or playing with Cervantes with A+B and BBB over and over again....
LOVED this article! Yeah i've been playing as female characters ever since I started gaming and nothing gets boy madder than beating them with a girl! Also, any male CAS using tira's moveset is teh win. LOVES IT!!!
Haha, Nobody can beat me on SC4 (well only the stupid Mitsu and Zasalamel players with no skills that do only 3 moves). I made a female character that fights as Cervantes but has a really annoying voice lol. Oh yeah, I made a one with Lizardman that's pretty sexy especially when crawling on the floor.
This is why I use princess Zelda as my main character in Smash bros.
Makes defeating all those Snakes and Ikes so much more fun!