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Review: Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars

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When an entire planet of hot topless Martians mysteriously rises up in arms against you, what's a lesbian spider-queen to do? Why, grab your crystal sceptre, recapture the entire slave population, and solve the mystery of who started the rebellion in the first place that's what!

And in Adult Swim Games' Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars that's exactly what you'll be doing.

The game, created by transgender game designer and journalist Anna Anthropy, is a throwback to classic arcade gaming the likes of Wizard of Wor and Sinistar as Ms. Anthropy herself attests. And an incredibly addicting throwback at that.

The game is deceptively simple and entirely playable with just one hand lol as players guide the titular lesbian through twelve maze-like levels on a quest to quell the uprising and discover who planted the seeds of rebellion in the slaves' minds. The Queen is controlled entirely with the arrow keys on your keyboard and with her crystal sceptre and not her butt for some reason she automatically captures any renegade slaves that make the mistake to wander directly into her line of fire. However, the walls of the maze and the various types of slaves running around keep the Queen on her toes spider equivalent of toes. Don't be fooled, the game is simple but just as challenging as the classic arcade games that inspired it. You likely won't be rage-quitting or throwing down your keyboard in frustration but you will be seeing the game over screen a decent number of times before you finally make it to the end.

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Now let's be real. The game is sweet and to the point, with just enough length to keep you amused for an evening. So what makes it stand out among all the other online games, Adult Swim's or not, that you could be playing instead?

Its style.

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While the gameplay is complete throwback to classic 80s arcade gaming the aesthetic is oozing campy 60s-70s sci-fi. You know, the sexy funky tongue-in-cheek kind of science fiction that forgo scientific facts for fun. Fun being impossibly revealing space-suits, or in this case topless green barbarian women. Throw on top of that some fun commentary on master-slave dynamics and you've got one hell of a little package.

In between escapades in the space-palace you're given simple cut-scenes where it is implied that the Queen is actually talking to you, one of her nameless followers, as the basic exposition is delivered. And it's all we need. Games like this are a nice reminder of what really matters in games: gameplay. Yes, cinematic cutscenes that last for hours are beautiful but without entertaining core gameplay to keep you around who cares what the story is? This Queen's plight is one you're sure to become enthralled in, and it's conveyed almost entirely through scrolling text. Meanwhile in Final Fantasy XIII, to use a recent-ish example, I couldn't care less about who these people are and the equally one-hand playable gameplay isn't motivating me to do so.

So kudos to Ms. Anthropy for creating an endearing character and satisfying story arc that took drastically less time to get through than most game's tutorials.

Now I'm not trying to badmouth FFXIII...actually I am, but that's not the point. The point is Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars and how much fun it is. Some gay media and game media have been less than thrilled with the game, but those people are likely taking themselves and it way too seriously. This is a simple throwback game that has some campy LGBT-centric themes and is fun to play. What more could you want?

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So if you've got an evening to kill and want something you can jump right into and enjoy the hell out of? Be sure to play Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars.

And don't forget! All Power exchange has to be negotiated!

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Now I wish I were lesbian, if only for the spider powers.

10 Comments

Splash Chick said:

I think I may have just found my new hero.

Nikademus said:

Hmmm...looks a lot like Wizard Of Wor.

Ophelia said:

I can roll my eyes and chalk it up to camp, but let's not contribute to any myths by saying this is "LGBT-centric." This isn't made to appeal to anyone LGBT, it's made for straight males, like most mainstream "lesbianism."

Splash Chick said:

And once again Ophelia fails to read the article before jumping to conclusions.

faePuck said:

It's possible the small note about Madam Anthropy's sexuality was underrepresented in this article, but make no mistake: Auntie Pixelante has long been a progenitor of unique game experiences as well as a voice for trans & queer gamers who would otherwise be shushed by the majority rule in the games industry.

While I have to say the inclusion in Adult Swim's lineup does look to idolize lesbian imagery for profit, this designer has more than proven herself in the gaming sphere, and any research into her background will surely counteract an ignorant opinion here and there that says alternative sexuality is merely for show.

daphny said:

MY SEXUALITY IS 'MADE FOR STRAIGHT MALES'??

THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING!

Gogoedward said:

Everything faePuck said.

mittens said:

Rubbing FaePuck's comment all over my spider-silk hotpants...for which 0 spider lesbians were harmed in the making.

Elliott said:

Daphne, you are the queen of all trolls, and that was the best response. Never change.

I love this game, firstly because it's a good game even without the BDSM and lesbian subtext, and secondly because of that. Goddamn. "Exchange Of Power Must Be Negotiated" picture, which I may end up using as an icon.

DykeSide said:

Ahr! Bloody ))
Why so angry lesbians?

And girls who like girls who like rumble packs!

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DykeSide on Review: Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars: Ahr! Bloody )) Why so angry lesbians?...

Elliott on Review: Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars: Daphne, you are the queen of all trolls, and that was the best response. Never change. I love this game,...

mittens on Review: Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars: Rubbing FaePuck's comment all over my spider-silk hotpants...for which 0 spider lesbians were harmed in the making....

Gogoedward on Review: Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars: Everything faePuck said....

daphny on Review: Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars: MY SEXUALITY IS 'MADE FOR STRAIGHT MALES'?? THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING!...

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