When it comes to video game movies, He With the Greatest Beard and I have a long-standing bet: I wager that not even He can facilitate a genuinely enjoyable video game movie – i.e. one on par with its non-game inspired counterparts – and dare Him to prove me wrong. As an incentive – should this most implausible of things come to pass – I offer to eat my own foot: drenched in buffalo sauce, served with blue cheese and celery on the side, and washed down with a tall glass of Cherry Coke.
It’s kind of an (admittedly loose) re-enactment of the Book of Job, in which His Beardliness plays God, yours truly plays Satan, and the role of Job falls to the film industry. Yet the years have proven underwhelming for our bet: my hopes unfulfilled, my foot thoroughly uneaten, and that bottle of buffalo sauce – begging to be drizzled over man-flesh as it does – remaining unopened. Yet like Job, the film industry keeps coming back for more: offering prayers and hallelujahs to the world of video games, all the while coming off as a first-rate chump.
Said Bearded One’s latest gambit comes in the union of Gabe Newell and J.J. Abrams, who recently revealed their shared intention to collaborate on a film adaptation of one of Valve’s games. During the recent DICE keynote, the Valve founder stated that the game in question would, should the fates shine upon their venture, be either Portal or Half-Life. While the specter of a Half-Life movie has made its way around the rumor mill from time to time, this seems just a tad more substantive (involving both Newell and an actual director) than past whisperings. The pair also expressed interest in collaborating on a video game – details were once again withheld – according to Abrams.
What do you think, gamers? Is the prospect of a Half-Life or Portal movie exciting, abominable, or an extra crispy bucket of “meh?” Sound off in the comments section below!