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March 10
2014

Introducing: Super Gaymer Drag Kart!!! (The Preview Episode)

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Super Gaymer Drag Kart Logo
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In honor of the return of RuPaul’s Drag Race for its sixth installment, some of video game’s finer and more enthusiastic specimens have gathered to act out their own nerdy version of the reality show contest. Imagine your favorite computer emulator fabulously bedecked in sequins with eager video game ambassadors looking to play along and that’s basically the bizarre nonsense that Super Gaymer Drag Kart aims to provide.

Each week at GayGamer, I’ll be recapping the latest episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race through a quirky video-game-centric guise. The digital contestants that ultimately prevail will be determined by the actual episodes themselves. Nothing is certain. And may the best set of polygons…WIN!

Without further delay…let’s bring out the girls.

The Judges

RuPaul + Samus Aran = RuSamPaul

RuSamPaul Playing Card

Who better to play the illustrious RuPaul than Samus Aran? She is the mother of video game drag and Nintendo’s original gender illusionist, expertly serving male space hero realness since the 80s. Back then, she could only afford outfits on an 8-bit budget. Today, she’s a household name with a three-dimensional walk-in closet filled with high-tech spacesuits. Zero Suit Samus will also assume the persona of Tim Gunn. Sure, RuPaul and Samus Aran have opposite ideas about gender performance, but each one is indisputably legendary. Don’t be jealous of RuSamPaul’s intergalactic boogie.

Michelle Visage + Bayonetta = Michelle Baysage

Michelle Baysage Playing Card

The resemblance is uncanny. Plus, Bayonetta is über confident she has the proper spunk, wardrobe, hair, and the…um…rack to expertly execute this impersonation. She wears big earrings and is the ultimate fierce [w]itch. Don’t wear green or she’ll kick you. She’ll actually totally kick you.

Santino Rice + Magikoopa = SantiKoopa

SantiKoopa Playing Card

Magikoopa’s been wanting to unlesash his shady side. Magikoopa thinks he’s got the fangs for it. He’ll come riding in on his broom and read to you filth. Santino has been going hatless so far this season, so Magikoopa may have to make a wardrobe adjustment…

The Contestants

Adore Delano + Toadette = Toadore Delano

Toadore Delano Playing Card

Toadette is essentially Toad with a cute, pink, and unpolished palette swap. Toadette is spontaneous and obviously a sassy little thing. And loud…very loud. Toadette thinks she’d be perfect to play the brazen Adore Delano. We’re giving her the benefit of the doubt.

April Carrión + Bridget = Abridget

Abridget Playing Card

Like “abridged” with a German accent…don’t think about it too much. ANYWAY, even though Bridget has an innocent demeanor, she isn’t a sister you want to double cross. Bridget, like April, can win an audience over with a good dose of wholesome charm. But Abridget isn’t above seducing a judge or two (we see right through you Adam Lambert). Abridget is also equally at home in pants or skirt.

BenDeLaCreme + Jynx = JynxDeLaCreme

JynxDeLaCreme Playing Card

Jynx’s early career was plagued by controversy. Still, the Pokémon favorite is itching to make a magnificent comeback in the role of the largely inoffensive BenDeLaCreme. Both are campy and voluptuous and have their eyes on the prize. We also think Jynx might like cheesecake. And their color schemes are very purple. Emphasis on purple.

Bianca del Rio + Kefka = Kefka del Rio

Kefka del Rio Playing Card

Kefka first laid eyes on Bianca del Rio and knew it was destiny. A drag queen that flaunts around as an insult comic and goes heavy on the eye shadow? Kefka didn’t need to think twice. On top of it, Bianca has already been read for her “clown” makeup. Enter THE clown himself. Kefka has the poison and vitriol to match Bianca’s acerbic wit. The clown makeup is a given. Kefka de Rio is confident she’ll be laughing all the way to the final three.

Courtney Act + Ms. Pac-Man = Ms. Act-Man

Ms Act-Man Playing Card

Ms. Pac-Man ain’t got time for a full-on palette swap. Just add a hairpiece and call it drag. Just like Courtney Act. Yet despite these few adjustments, the gender performance is remarkably fluid, even mesmerizing. Courtney Act has been met with early criticism for hashtag relying on dat body. We could say the same of Ms. Pac-Man’s blemish free yellow pixels. (Side note: for a larger discussion on this female visual swap phenomenon, refer to Anita Sarkeesian’s series of videos on “Tropes vs Women in Video Games”)

Darienne Lake + Quina = Quienne Lake

Quienne Lake Playing Card

Quina’s always jolly and Quinna’s always hungry. The beginning of the first Untucked episode featured a montage with frequent cuts to Darienne Lake. One clip featured Ms. Darienne Lake shouting “SHUT UP! I’M HUNGRY!” Quina thought s/he was a shoe-in. It was then that Quienne Lake was born.

Gia Gunn + Cheep-Cheep = Gia Cheep-Cheep

Gia Cheep-Cheep Playing Card

Gia Gunn walked into the room with a friggin’ purse strapped to a hula-hoop. Field Day Couture? She was living for whatever it was. More importantly, Gia Gunn prides herself on being fresh-off-the-boat fish, comparing herself to “fresh tilapia.” She’s basically masquerading as a cheap bottom feeder. And there’s something wonderfully poetic about that. So a non-descript Cheep-Cheep responded to the call. Gia Gunn liked Cheep-Cheep’s luxurious lips, which were good for…well use your imagination. Say hello to Gia Cheep-Cheep. If you don’t, you won’t hear the end of it.

Joslyn Fox + Flea = Flea Fox

Flea Fox Playing Card

Joslyn Fox has this ditzy Barbie girl trapped at a Quinceañera thing going on. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. She laughs at her own jokes, which is, more often than not, a tad endearing. Flea has a similar penchant for pastels. She attacks her enemies with hearts. Don’t ask her about her gender because depending on what language you’re asking in, she may have a different answer. When combined, Flea Fox is genuine, but perpetually confused.

Kelly Mantle + Vivian = Vivian Mantle

Vivian Mantle Playing Card

Kelly Mantle was an early victim on RuPaul’s Drag Race. Vivian was a victim of Japanese-to-English localization and censorship. Neither of them really got the chance!

Laganja Estranja + Sheik = Laganja Shestranja

Laganja Shestranja Playing Card

Lawd have mercy Jesus. This queen. But Sheik wants to teach Laganja Estranja about a little thing called moderation. That’ll likely prove a severe challenge, since up until now Sheik has only ever communicated with people via written word or grunting. Once they join forces, Laganja Shestranja will be giving leg and more leg and splits and shit for days.

Magnolia Crawford + Cloud Strife = Magnolia Strife

Magnolia Strife Playing Card

Magnolia has a lot of passion, a lot of anger, and a lot strife. Like Kelly, she didn’t get much of a chance to sissy that walk. Unlike Kelly, she kinda just gave up early on, whining and whining some more and playing the woe-is-me card. She was not particularly enthusiastic sporting her first runway garment. With Tifa’s encouragement, Cloud decided to give the drag thing one more chance. Since Cloud lacks a similar amount of enthusiasm for female impersonation, he thought Magnolia was a decent enough fit.

Milk + Guillo = Milko

Milko Playing Card

Milk is this season’s go-to androgynyne. A rather tall glass of…well, milk. Milk is gorgeous in and out of drag (hello biceps). He’s also fearless in a Imma-wear-a-lace-front-beard-on-the-runway-like-I’m-the-damn-glamazon-emperor-of-China sort of way. This queen promises plenty of gender-bending weirdness. When Guillo was browsing through the list of available parts to play, Milk made perfect sense. They complete each other. They get each other.

Trinity K Bonet + Commander Shepard = Commander K

Commander K Playing Card

Their forces combined, Commander K is ready to serve up some intergalactic unrealness. Whether male or female, Commander Shepard executes each job flawlessly. The gender might change from game to game, but the dialogue options won’t…for the most part.

Vivacious + Pyramid Head = Viva Pyranacia

Viva Pyranacia Playing Card

Dat head tho. Vivacious stepped onto the RuPaul’s Drag Race set like the Headless Huntsman trapped inside an ABBA music video. Then she instantly botched her big entrance reveal. She gave us double the face, double the head, double the fun. Unfortunately, she and Ornacia landed with a thud during the photoshoot, and also fumbled on the runway. But her deliberate runway walk (guuuuuurrrrl dat walk is e’rything) strikes fear into the hearts of all her significantly younger rivals. Pyramid Head has a similar paralyzing effect on just about everybody. Thus Pyramid Head, arguably the most famous head in video game history, seized the chance to butt in with a unique head of his own! Viva La Viva Pyranacia!

The Pit Crew

This season of RuPaul’s Drag Race doubled the ranks of the pit crew from two to four ripped and heavily bronzed studs. They also do extra duty as living product placement for Scruff, which RuPaul oh so strategically refers to as a “gay social app.” I see you, Ru.

So being a man of excess myself…I’ll give you even more. Feast your tired eyes on the pixilated hunk fest that is the Super Gaymer Drag Kart pit crew!

Can you name them all? That’s assuming you even remembered their names in the morning…

The Pit Crew Playing Card

This season looks relatively promising, and we’ll be keeping you updated as it chugs along! Just like Project Runway, our Super Gaymer Drag Kart is a competition for the [character] models too. And just like Project Runway, these video game characters have absolutely NO control over the competition’s outcome. Nothing like fate to settle the score.

 Let the races begin…

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About Brad Baron

(Writer) Brad grew up on poorly translated JRPGS, Zelda, Crash, and Spyro. If ever a nerd there was, that nerd in fact was he. These days, he's a singer, actor, playwright, and blogger. He also fancies himself a curator of the cyberspace museum that is YouTube. He graduated Princeton University with a BA in English, just like that cute puppet in Avenue Q. When he isn't lip trilling, he's openly weeping while listening to the Ni no Kuni soundtrack or slaving away on yet another Assassin's Creed escort mission. In addition to writing for GayGamer, he frequently updates his personal blog "Mind Shuffle" and his Tumblr "Baron as in Red."

4 Responses

  1. avatar daveliam says:

    Who is that hot naked guy on the right side of the “pit crew” pictures? I know the rest of them, but don’t recognize him.

  2. avatar J says:

    That looks like Dante from DMC Reboot. Ironically I don’t know who’s to the right of Leon(at least I believe that’s Leon).

    • avatar Dave says:

      That would be Alistair from Dragon Age.

      After that, case let me continue by saying I have no idea who the guy above Balthier and under Leon is.

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